A Magical Day - Crafty Tales from the Wilderness

It is a beautiful sunny autumn day in The Wilderness. We decide to go for Sunday lunch to a little restaurant overlooking the beach. On our way down the drive we stop the car so that I can go into the woodland to see if my eyes are playing tricks on me. 

I am thinking “I have spent far too much time designing fairies and it is obviously getting to me”. 

But no, sure enough when I get up close it is exactly as we thought - a giant fungi growing out of a rotting tree stump. It is bright yellow and at least 16” in diameter and I would guess 4” high. 

A spectacular specimen the likes of which I have never seen before.  Crouching over it I stroked its surface which was as soft as velvet but probably highly poisonous. Must remember to wash my hands before we eat!!

I am amazed at the beauty of nature’s gifts.

We enjoy lunch, and of course a bottle of wine, feeding our eyes and ears at the same time with the sounds of the ocean and the sight of a school of dolphins playing in the surf.

Returning home and feeling rather sleepy I relax on the veranda for a while in the late afternoon sunshine. Marcus has gone to the office and the trio of dogs accompany him.

Feeling a little guilty at all this indulgence it maybe is time to be a little productive. Leaving the door open I go inside to deal with some really boring stuff like tax rules and regulations. Whilst deep in concentration and correspondence with an online consultant, out of the corner of my eye I see movement. As I turn around there is a visitor - Pete the Peacock. To explain, Pete is a wild peacock who walked onto our property on Boxing Day a few years ago and has turned up every day since for a dinner of sunflowers seeds.

Today he has decided he has waited long enough for his supper and is coming into the house to investigate. I ignore him for fear of giving him a fright especially as the floor is very slippery and he has chicken feet - not a good combination.

He walks around to the other side of the breakfast bar and barks at me. Now for those of you who have never communicated in the language of “Poc”, it is a very,very loud shrill noise. My house has a high ceiling which makes for wonderful acoustics. It was so loud in the otherwise silent house that I almost fell of my stool. Gloating on his newly found power he would not shut up until I went to fetch his feed and lured him back outside.

It is probably safe to say that I now know where I am in the pecking order, if you will excuse the pun.

Linda xxxx

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What a day this has been! - Crafty Tales from the Wilderness

A friend came to visit and to say goodbye to Melanie at the end of her recent trip here.

After the usual hello’s we commented on how well she looked and she said “Oh it’s my new eyelashes!”

 Neither Melanie or I are very girlie so this was quite amusing, but when she mentioned that she no longer has to wear makeup our ears pricked up. This was a time-saver so therefore justified girly-ness. Off we went, tongue-in-cheek, to get our new eyelashes and were very pleased with the outcome. We were instructed that if we didn't use eye makeup remover or excessive amounts of water that they would last three weeks - great!

The following Friday (one week later) a removal company were coming to collect and return to the UK the last remaining possessions of my darling sister which were boxed and in my store room. She lived in South Africa with me for 7 years but died last May leaving me devastated. 

Everyone asked me if I was going to be OK with the task in hand and my reply was “of course I am!”

Being a control freak I had to make sure they got it right and took the right boxes, opening each box to check and then repackage. All is going well until I open a box of her beautiful bed linen, of which she was so proud, and had a complete emotional melt down, leaving the poor guy who was packing totally confused as to what he had done so terribly wrong! 

Having had a good cry and regained my composure (but losing several eye lashes in the process) I went back and declared war on the store room. Then I invaded my office which I blitzed. This is how I deal with any emotions which tend to get out of control.

As my reward, and given that I am now filthy dirty and exhausted, I decided to indulge myself with a long soak in the bath. To help make sense of the next part of this saga I must explain that my bathroom has a sunken bath in the corner and the windows run from floor to ceiling giving me a clear view of the lakes. I don’t have any privacy problems as I have no neighbours other than the Fish Eagles and if anyone from the other side of the lake goes to the trouble of using binoculars to peak at a sixty-something’s body, well then good luck to them!

The phone rings 5 times and each time I lose the call as the signal in my little corner is not so good. Having given up on my relaxation it is time to get out of the bath when I notice a troop of little men in green suits carrying tools over their shoulders, looking rather like the seven dwarfs, come marching past my bathroom! I sink under the water and wait a while. 

They are gone so I try again, when another little troop comes by and I sink back in the bath again. 

This little dance continues four times more. Eventually I storm out of the bathroom (wrapped in bath robe) and I holler at them “who the hell are you and what are you doing here?”

 “We are from the Parks Board Ma'am and are spraying aliens” (alien plants that is - not little blue men). 

"Yes well you are supposed to give notice and maintain the Fire Break but you haven’t been here for 10 years! Why did you have to choose today?"

Back to the bathroom and I attempt to continue my body maintenance day and start to clean off my nail polish and makeup. This went well until I pick up the cotton pad soaked in nail polish remover to remove my very smudgy mascara (bottom lashes). After running around screaming with the pain I now have to wash out my eye with copious amounts of water. What about my lovely new eyelashes? They must be sacrificed to save my eyesight!

I book an appointment with the beautician as I now only have one eyelash on my right eye and the three on the left. "What have you been doing?" she asks.  I tell her it is a long story but I do tell her about my crying. "Oh no!" she says, very seriously “eyelashes don’t like crying”.

Thank goodness I didn't tell her about the nail varnish remover!

Linda xxx

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No! We are going to Namibia - Crafty Tales from the Wilderness

My darling daughter was planning a bi-annual trip to South Africa in search of some peace, quiet and sunshine as the UK seemed to bypass summer last year!

"I just want to chill" she tells me - she is very good a chilling, unlike her Mother. 

After plotting and scheming for a few days I come up with the idea that we really must go and see Namibia. It doesn't look that far- on the map. I consult with Mr Dundee, who says “Oh it’s no problem, not too far at all really”.

I decide to ‘break’ the journey by booking a couple of stops along the way. So we set off and after a 9 hour drive we arrive at Augrabies Falls which we visit the following day. Quite disappointing really but after seeing Victoria Falls everything else would be. 

The next morning, rested, we make our way to The Fish River Canyon. We travel along happily - after all we do have a Stephen Fry audiobook to keep us company. 

After a couple of hours we have to turn off on to‘dirt’ road on which we stayed for 6 hours. It was a teeth chattering, dust swallowing nightmare of a journey and we were not happy bunnies. 

Finally a sign of life a little road side café called Pit Stop. An amazing place in the middle of nowhere surrounded by broken down old cars with huge cacti plants growing through them. 

We enter for much needed refreshment and of course the loo! As we both run to the loo we are greeted with a larger than life picture of the most physically amazing naked male you are ever likely to see. Except he had a little ‘box’ where his 'essentials' were supposed to be!! The sign said "open to see the Songalola" (huge millipede) - we resisted as we needed a drink more urgently!!

Back at the bar Marcus has returned from the Gents and we are telling him our story. Apparently "there was also the most amazing woman in the men’s toilet with a ‘Pandora’s Box" which he also resisted.  

Whilst arguing over the likelihood of him resisting the temptation, the barman came to his rescue and told us that if anyone opens either of the boxes a very loud alarm goes off in the bar and everyone, all six of them,  knows what you are doing! Phew!! Narrowly missed dying of embarrassment there.

Onward and forward we reach Fish River Canyon, amazing, awesome and in the future (when I have recovered from the drive) maybe worth the journey.

Next stop the Great Namib Desert - more miles of teeth chattering and dust swallowing and we run out of Stephen Fry. We watch as the already arid terrain turns eerily into desert and nothingness. Finally we arrive at our destination of the largest dune of the desert and check in to our hotel. "It’s %$^&* hot", in the words of Ray Winston in Sexy Beast, I hope you saw the movie? 

The wind is howling and I can only describe it as being ‘sand blasted’. But, when the sun goes down it is amazingly beautiful.

The next day we climb the Big Daddy and toboggan down the other side. At the end of the day I have heat stroke, dehydration, travel sickness and am losing the will to live. But what a blast!!!!!!!!!!!

Melanie is coming back this month and I have promised that we will not go anywhere, just chill.  Well, except for a couple of days around my birthday? 
Linda xxxx

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Aliens, showers and tortoises - Crafty Tales from the Wilderness

One of the first ‘real’ safaris I ever went on when I arrived in South Africa was to the Zebra National Park in the Great Karoo.

After many, many hours driving - far more than anticipated or even more than you could dream of driving in one day, we arrived at our destination and camp site. 

It was 4.30pm and 40 degrees Celsius and we now have to erect our own tent and prepare for the night ahead.  It was one of those moments when you wonder when a level of adventure became a measure of insanity? 

It is February and the hottest month of the year, but we finish the ‘erection’ and I collapse into a camping chair in the shade, totally mentally and physically exhausted.  Only to be told that it will be dark in an hour and if I want to shower and as the electricity is not too reliable, I should go right now.  Hey! "I am an intrepid traveler" I tell myself and off I go with towel over my shoulder and wash bag in hand. 

Relieved to be in the shade of the shower block and alone, I start to clean my teeth looking around as you do when in strange places and when nobody else is around to talk to. 

I spot above me the largest ‘alien’ species of bug you can imagine. To give you some idea, if you have ever ordered Langoustine in a restaurant? Now imagine it crawling over your head, brown, scaly and about 4” long, very creepy. Then imagine showering whilst keeping one eye on your new shower sharer.

On my return from the shower block it was dusk and I was very glad to settle down to a nice G&T around the newly fired up braii (South African barbecue). Husband Marcus was having a man moment poking the coals and enjoying his G&T and a few laughs about the day's traveling experience. It is now dark and when you have experienced dark in the bush you know what "dark as night" really means. 

A couple of drinks later and whilst Marcus was still cooking I noticed he seemed to be having a bit of a jig at the same time. As his ‘dancing’ became more and more obvious and he hadn't had that much to drink,  I asked what on earth he was doing. He finally confessed that the relatives of the ‘shower alien’ where crawling out of the trees and towards the light of the barbecue. He didn't want to tell me and so was trying to quietly kick them away.  My instinctive reaction was to leap up into my chair and remain sitting cross legged in the chair for the remainder of the evening.

In the morning I awoke to meet a giant tortoise outside of our tent that apparently loved cucumber and had a tug of war with me to finish the whole thing before I could take it away. Nature is amazing especially when you meet with it on its own territory.

Linda xxx

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Santa in the Sun

A festive tale for you this month!

Two weeks before Christmas last year, my son, who lives in Cape Town, called to say that he and his family were coming to stay with us for the festive season.

As we had worked over Christmas running our Lodge for the past eight years, it would be the first Christmas I would ever spend with my four year old granddaughter.

We had originally planned to go to the UK for the holidays, so had made no decorative preparations at all! A mad panic ensued in search of fairy lights and all things glittery for our little angel's first Christmas with Grandma and Grandpa Els.

On previous year's when we ran the Lodge, we would buy presents for the children of the staff and the local settlement. These would be delivered by Father Christmas (aka Grandpa Els) and his two elves (my sister and I). Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on your perspective), we still had the Santa suit which could be dusted off for the occasion.

Come a bright and sunny South African Christmas morning, and it is 85 degrees outside, but Grandpa Els still insisted on hiding in the office and donning his outfit complete with welly boots, full beard, Santa hat and a pillow up his jacket. He looked scarily realistic. To scarily it turns out - as he trekked up to the house ringing his bell, our little angel took one look and ran off screaming and crying. So much for good intentions.

Poor little Chloe spent the rest of the day confiding in and preferring the company of our three dogs who were equally bemused by  the stranger in the big beard.

Linda x Pin It Now!

Tact is not her middle name!

African Christmas Decorations

This is the first Christmas in my lifetime that I will spend without my darling sister Barbara.

She was a funny, nosey, homely, busy body, with an amazing sense of humour who wanted to be everyone’s Mum and to solve their problems. She died earlier this year and I am still reeling.

But I write not to dwell on my loss but to tell you of just one of the funniest stories she left me with and there are oh so many! 

This one is happened at Christmas so is rather poignant.

The Lodge I used to run was fully booked out with most of our guests arriving from the Continent.

As is a common continental European tradition, we would have a very formal dinner on Christmas Eve, followed by a more casual affair on Christmas Day - bearing in mind that at Christmas in South Africa the day time temperature is usually around 35 degrees and roast turkey and Christmas pud may be a little heavy. For this reason I would prepare a Christmas Day buffet and we would relax together with the guests including my sister and husband.

Being the busy body that she was, my sister wanted to know more about the guests. I gave her their names and nationality and told her that one room was booked out for two guys. As I was unsure of their relationship I decided to put them in ‘The Family Room’ as this had two beds! 

Butterfly Christmas Tree at the Lodge

As I carried the dishes to the table, I watched with delight as my poor sister squirmed with curiosity as she was under strict instructions not to ask guests personal questions.

One of the two guys came from Hong Kong where I had also lived for a short while so the conversation was flowing easily. His "friend" was the biggest man I have ever seen and came from Austria. He was sitting next to my sister who, by this time, was twiddling her fingers and casting side long glances to see if I was watching her.

“So, are you married?” I hear her say with my radar. 

"No" says the perfect gentleman from Austria.

“Oh, really?  Is your friend married?”  

“No”

“ Do you have children, either of you?”  Now I know she is on a roll. 

At this point I decide enough is enough and ask my sister 'to help me in the kitchen'.  

“What are you doing!” I ask her. She hung her head and eventually asks if the guys are gay. 

“I have no idea as it is not a question on the booking form!" I snapped "so please don’t interrogate the guests". 

Lodge Table Decorations

Feeling the air is cleared we both return to the veranda and our guests. Barbara returns to the Austrian guy and apologises saying "I am not allowed to ask you too many questions-  so are you gay?"

There was a deadly silence which exploded with the deepest belly laugh I have ever heard from the amazingly tolerant Austrian.

He came back the following year with his girlfriend and asked where is friend Barbara was.

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Memory Like An Elephant

Since our darling Grandad died it had become very obvious that Nanna was, shall we say, if not losing then seriously, misplacing her marbles!

For this reason Melanie and I discussed the possibility of bringing her on a trip of a life time to South Africa. "How hard can it be?" I say. "So what if we have the same conversation over and over again!" 

So, it is agreed and the day comes when I must pick Melanie and Nanna up from Cape Town Airport, some five hours drive from the Wilderness.

On the drive back to Wilderness, Nanna nods off in the car and awakes two hours later declaring, "That was a lovely holiday, are we going home now?".

We all laugh except Melanie who has had a 12 hour flight having the same conversation over and over again.

Now Nanna is a feisty old girl and is very game for most things. So, we decide to take her to meet the elephants, which she loves and is totally taken care of by a young Guide from Botswana who says she is just like his Grandma! 

On the way home and another cat nap in the car. When she awakes I ask did she enjoy the elephants and her new 'toy boy'? The response was "what elephants?".

As a treat for Melanie I enquire about shark diving just for the two of us and my dear sister will Nanna-sit.

I take the shark excursion leaflet around to Melanie and Nanna who are relaxing in the sunshine to ask what they think. Melanie's face lights up and she shows the page to Nanna who says" I think you may be pushing me a bit too far this time dear, I am not swimming with sharks!” 

We are most relieved to be taking a break from the test of our patience. Driving off like two naughty schoolgirls and full of enthusiasm only to be dashed by a phone call to say the water isn't clear enough and they must cancel. "No!!" screams my normally level headed daughter. So, retail therapy to the rescue. 

The next day Nanna remembers the elephant’s - ahhhh!  Patience now restored we are feeling guilty and decide to take it a step further and book to take Nanna for an elephant ride. She was accompanied, of course, by Melanie just in case either Nanna and or the elephant collude to make a bid for freedom.  How wonderful to see this feisty lady of 85 years climb on top of an elephant and squealing with delight(?) off they go through the bush for an hour and return looking for the next thrill! 

On her return to England Nanna told her carers and neighbours that she had a wonderful time but that she had been sent off on an elephant all by herself and that she hadn't been fed for two weeks!

It was to be her last holiday before she went into full time care but what a holiday and what wonderful memories for some of us!!

Linda xxx

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16 Marmosets, 3 Dogs and a Traffic Cop

Have you ever noticed how stressful situations bring out the extremes of personalities? 

Strangers, friends, family and all, let us say the best and the worst!  Here is a little story of just such extremes:

It is two days before Christmas and it has been an amazingly hot and dry summer (yes I did say summer as I live in South Africa) and I am having a leisurely cuppa with my sister sitting around the pool - the calm before the storm!

The lodge we owned and ran was booked out from Boxing Day onwards for the next ten days.

"What is that mist over there?" My sister enquires. "That is not mist that is fire!" We call the fire brigade who assure us they are aware and "everything is under control anyway it is miles from you".

Boxing Day morning arrives and four of our first guests are due to arrive. Two are from Germany and two from Johannesburg who we must pick up from the airport. I am faffing around with pretty decorations and arranging the table for the evening meal. Then I see it out of the dining room window - the "mist" is back. This time it is just the other side of the swimming pool!! I phone my husband in town who phones the Fire Brigade who tell him “sorry all of the engines are out as the Wilderness is on fire”. 

Two trucks turn up with water tanks on their rear to fight a fire which is now surrounding the two sides of the property. I phone my sister who arrives hysterical - not such a good idea with hindsight, with her usually comically funny husband who is now speechless.

The staff are busy throwing buckets of water from the pool to the surrounding area. The rest of us are running around like crazy with hose pipes. The pine trees are exploding as they do and firing gooey fireworks everywhere. Guests are still at the airport, so I phone and explain that they must hire a car which we will pay for and I will find them other accommodation.

Half an hour later a car pulls up the drive, the first of the guests.  Running across the lawn and oblivious of my appearance I greet them. The woman looked beautiful in a long summer dress and the husband equally elegant. I apologise and ask a member of staff to take them to the bar make them some tea and I will be back in a moment. 

By now we are surrounded as the fire is behind the cottages, in front of the lodge, beyond the pool and it is snowing ash and sticky bombs!!

The second couple turn up and once again I run to explain and apologise. The German lady says “I am so disappointed I wanted to sit around the pool and look at the view”. Deep breath, “well you have a drink” I say “and then decide what you would like to do”. 

Now I am missing the other two guests from the bar, through the window I see the beautiful lady with her dress hitched up and a hose pipe in her hand along with her partner keeping the fire at bay from the Koi Pond! Oh my god could this get any worse? Apparently! A siren comes up the drive; thank goodness, the fire brigade? No, a traffic cop who has come to tell me that I must vacate the property by order of the Traffic Department as we are in danger- really?  Deep breath, “I have 16 Marmoset monkeys, 3 dogs and so far 4 guests - what do you suggest I do with them? Go away or be useful" is the polite version - he went away. 

In the meantime my sister has put the valuables into the car ready for when we do ultimately have to do a runner. The Germans are fighting it out in their room and the elegant couple are having a glass of wine in reception and thanks to Mr Dundee and my brother in law, staff and a few fire fighters things are a little more under control.  My gallant guest offers me a glass of wine and asks "have you looked in the mirror recently?"

My face was black and streaked with tears, my hair full of ash and my white T shirt full of holes and globs of goo.

The outcome? The Germans left, the elegant guests stayed for 10 days and laughed about it , the fire continued at bay for 3 days. Monkeys survived, dogs came out of hiding and we all lived to tell the tale. Isn’t life wonderful?

Linda xxx

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